Well, the thing of it is that I'm lazy.

I just spent forty-five minutes applying for a job I do not want.

It’s very frustrating to fill out retail applications, especially when I realize that I’m basically starting from scratch all over again.  It’s repetitive by nature; you have to input the same job titles and the same responsibilities over and over again.  When it comes to the other jobs, the ones that actually require thought and cover letters, I just don’t have the energy.  I try my damnedest to give a shit, but I just don’t. 

Work is depressing right now.  All of my favorite people keep me going on a daily basis, but they all know that I’m done with this place.  So are they.  It’s really hard to care about rearranging sections that sell, or boxing up pallets to send to other stores.  Really hard.  At first, these tasks at least felt like something to do – I get really bored really easily, so having something to do, even if it’s slapping a sign up on an endcap, kept me going.

This week, that isn’t even keeping me going.  I spent an hour yesterday with three of my closest work friends screwing around.  Playing makeshift baseball with a crumpled up piece of paper (ball) and a long sheath of plastic (bat).  It was management-sanctioned free time, and I didn’t care, because the four of us had definitely put in some manual labor earlier in the day.

Which brings me to another point: manual labor.  That’s basically all I’m doing anymore.  We don’t have computers to look anything up.  We don’t hold anything, so phone calls last about thirty seconds as opposed to the usual 3-5 minutes.  All we do is move cases, move books, move boxes, pack stuff up.  I will say that my back is really, really sore.

When I’m home, I feel like I should be applying for jobs.  But I’m tired all the time. 

This sucks.

I really didn’t want this blog to be whiny, but this is my life right now.  I keep hearing from all my former coworkers that I’ll be shocked how free I’ll feel when I’m done with this place, but right now all I can think about it is how tired I am, all the time.  Even when I’m bored out of my mind.  Especially when I’m bored out of my mind.

So today I hung out with a friend of mine at a coffee shop, and I wrote.  It felt wonderful, even if it was ultimately unproductive.  I sat and drank my coffee, ate my bagel, and wrote a full two pages.  That’s like writing a book in comparison to my recent output.

I think that part of my laziness in this job search thing is that I want the time off.  I really, really want some time off.  We’ll be okay for a little while on savings and unemployment.  I’m going to keep writing two pages at a time, and applying for jobs and writing cover letters, but if I get to the end of this liquidation process and I’m still without a job?

Oh, hell yeah, I’m going to enjoy a little time off.

And in the meantime, I've instated nightly dance parties.  Every night, I put a playlist on my iPod and I just go to town.  It makes me happy.  It makes Andrew laugh.  Every so often I get him to join in.  And really?  That's not a bad thing to have as the highlight of your day.